It's funny how quickly time passes without you realizing it, isn't it?
Whether it's in life or inside a magic circle, time is definitely not constant unless you're counting, because life itself is a subjective experience.
In a nutshell, I've been kinda busy. Mostly with work taking up a lot of free time, and I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I've replaced the roof on the house, had to say farewell to my 14 year old furbaby, and been watching too many reruns of Big Bang Theory.
I've had a lot of changes in my perception of friendships lately, too. I'm noticing when I reach out and don't get responses, or if I'm the only person *ever* initiating conversations with friends. Am I being clueless and bugging people, intruding on their lives while they really just view me as a friendly pest? Would they even notice if I just stopped trying?
I'm turning 50 this year. While I don't feel the urge to go dashing out and buying a red sports car, I am noticing my awareness of my own mortality changing. I'm not sitting around in fear of it, nor am I embracing it. I do know that it's going to be here eventually, and I'm at that point where I want to maximize the positive mark I can leave on the world before I go.
It was never my intention that this blog have thousands of followers. In the pagan blogosphere, I'm an absolute nobody and that's been fine with me. So many people write better, more eloquently, on topics that they spend time researching that all I can do is read and applaud. The idea of becoming some form of "big name pagan" is just abhorrent. It's been a big part of why the blog has been so silent, but maybe now it's just time I use it as an outlet and stop trying to "measure up to the big bloggers", which I may have unconsciously been doing.
I've seen how the public treats its celebrities, and fame is both fleeting and unkind. The minute you're out of the spotlight, the false friends fall away and you're left wondering if any of your friendships were ever real. It's like that *being* friends with celebrities too. Before Teo Bishop "came out" as Matt Morrison, I thought we'd established a friendship. After his big reveal, he treated me like any other fanboy and stopped interacting with me. When he left paganism and went back to his "home" religion, he not only cut ties with me on Facebook, but I was blocked from even sending a message of support to him. Frankly, it was upsetting.
I think it's time I just stop wasting my time chasing after people who make it clear they don't want to be friends with me. No ill will of course, but I've got more productive things to do with my time and energy than spend it on people who don't make time for me, and blow me off repeatedly.
I've got stories to tell, songs to write, plants to nurture, and spells to cast. I'm not going to waste time attempting to make other people happy, the real magic is only going to come from a happier me, so that's what I need to focus on. Life should be fun, and I haven't been doing enough of the "fun" things in life.
Peace out, witches.