THE CHOCOLATE RITUAL
Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a
Tootsie Roll (the great big one‑ as the athame), a large glass with milk in it
(the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quick and a spoon, a small dish of
chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo‑Hoo along with a goblet.
CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)
Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
No calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!
Nestle's Quick where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolaty!
CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll)
CALL THE QUARTERS:
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great prince of the palace of dessert!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all
moochers approaching from the East.
Fondue of the South, Molten one!
Great prince of the palace decadence!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all
diets
approaching from the South.
Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!
Great prince of the palace of thirst!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all
carob
approaching from the
West.
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great prince of the palace of crunchy!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all
cheap
imitations
approaching from the North.
MAIN RITUAL:
HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):
Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of
old called: Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other
names:
HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a
while and better it be when your
checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public
place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all
Goodies. In the mall shall you assemble,
you who have eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.
And you shall be free from depression.
And as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have
chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you
shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in my
presence. For mine is the ecstasy of phenylalanine, and mine is also
the joy on earth, yea, even into high orbit for my law is "melts in your
mouth, not in your hand".
Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none
stop you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the
taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy padding pounds on your
hips. I am the gracious Goddess who
gives the gift of joy onto the tummies of
men and women. Upon earth, I give
knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond death well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that. I demand only your money in sacrifice, for
behold, chocolate is a business, and you
have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in
the dust of whose feet are the cheap
imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere: I, who am the
beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of big bars, the
mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles, and fill the hearts of all
but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy, from me do all
confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return, again.... and again...
and again.... and again. Before my
smeared face, beloved of women and men, thine innermost divine self chocolate
covered cherries all within you.
And you who think to seek me,
know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the
Mystery:
"We shall sell
no chocolate until you pay for it" For behold: I have been with you since
you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the
land. Messed be.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was
called Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many
other names:
HP: I am the
strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the floor but looks like
it may not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark
chocolate. No matter how you try to
resist the call of chocolate, I will hunt you out, and I will become your
sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in
the dead of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that really
expensive Godiva store downtown. I give
you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen
Milky Way bar and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work
out. You are dear to me, and I instill
in you my power of a piece of chocolate that you had forgotten you had hidden,
and the power of vision and magickal sight with which you can spot a candy
counter a mile away. By the powers of
the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, by the darkest depths of
the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I
charge you, and by the beauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I
charge you. Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats
that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy
in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying slurp
of Yoo‑Hoo. Yet you must be wary of
deceit. Eat not of that which is called "baking chocolate", for
it is vile and bitter. Lastly, always
remember to leave some chocolate behind you.
Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for someone else. I am with you always, just over your
shoulder, or around the next corner. I
am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of you hoard, I
will never be further away from you than that 7‑Eleven on the corner. I am the spirit of the wild child, the inner
child who can never get quite enough. If
you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are intertwined.
CUPCAKES AND YOO‑HOO
(Blessing of the Yoo‑Hoo)
HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark
chocolate
HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate
HP: For both are better than the falsely named "white
chocolate"
HPS: And neither one is carob
HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake
HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar
BOTH: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for
there is no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.
(blessing of the
cupcakes)
HP: Frosting is keen
HPS: And frosting is neat
BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's eat!
(Feasting and
Drinking)
Dismiss quarters
HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the __________, we thank you
for attending our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your
sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you,
"N‑E‑S‑T‑L‑E‑S, Nestles makes the very best"
ALL: "Choooooooc‑laaaaate"
(After all quarters
have been dismissed, give a final satisfying belch at the east)
Close circle
Too funny dear heart. So glad you shared this.
ReplyDeletelol. I LOVE THIS!
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